(Pardon the grammar, but these are just quick write-ups of my dreams.
They are not essays or great works of literature. Just dreams, folks. Don't be hatin'.)

Monday, July 25, 2011

Riverfront Kickout w/ Cats


My parents kicked me out of their house.

So I went looking for an apartment. But guess what? They're all shit. All of them.
Then someone tells me about this house that some dude is looking for someone to live in. I check it out, and it's really nice, but it's not winterized. So I could only live there for a couple months.

When I try to leave the house there are tons of cats that I can't let out. Of course some do escape.

(The dream was just super ultra frustrating. And it started my day off shitty.)

(Also, there was way more to this dream, involving rivers and Kristen from Augusta and kitchens and hot tubs and college students, but I don't feel like writing it all down.)

(Also, fuck you.)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Arkansas license plate


I'm road-tripping with my parents.

At first I'm driving through Ohio and kind of just going because I assume just going will get me to where we want to go.

All of a sudden I need to know where we are because the road has turned from highway into town road. And the car in front of us has an Arkansas license plate.

Turns out we are in Arkansas. And I hate Arkansas.

I ask my dad, who is in the back seat, where we went wrong and how to fix it.

He tells me to take a right up ahead onto some "highway". And I follow him, because he's got the tiny atlas.

This highway ends up being a dead-end on some peninsula. We decide to stay at the hotel there to figure out how to get out of Arkansas and back on track.

My dad just ends up pissing me off because he cannot read the maps. I take them from him and devise my own plan to get out of this state and on to the next one. Somehow this involves going through Tennessee.

With my hatred for Arkansas I end up pissing off a lot of locals. Especially two men who are helping us with our stay at the hotel.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Living Bones 'n' Airports


Dream one:

I felt the urge to donate my bones. The ones I didn't need so much, like some of the ones in my feet and one in my arm.

Because there was a severe need for alive bone.

And I always feel compelled to donate. Because I'm a bleeding heart. And I have more than I need.

So I did. And it turns out there's a long recovery time; my muscles needed to find new bones to reattach to.

For awhile I was kind of like a blob of a person.

Dream two:

In an airport. Or on my way into an airport.

Zack's there. And a couple of other people.

We're going somewhere.

It's raining outside.

The chick looking at my ticket is shocked to learn that I am older than she is. She could have sworn I was in high school.

We board the plane last. Find lame seats.

People step on my bag under the seat.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Burning Wedding


At my parents' kitchen table, they tell me they have decided to burn all of their wedding photos.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dance Swords


I'm on a boat, then end up on a weird series of docks in England that are more like a weird pier.

On the end of one of these docks in a large building. Inside it's a high school dance. Like real high school dances, my friends are too cool to hang out with me, so I wander around solo looking for people.

In another room towards the back of the building, Alex B is playing guitar alone. There are people packing up other instruments and equipment around him before he's finished.

I go back out into the main room and my friends are still too cool to hang out with me. So I head back out to the docks.

Someone suggests a restaurant up on a different dock that has an American owner. Me and some people from my Iceland/Scotland trip go. Eat some salads. Hang.

When I leave I'm in a car driving at night. I pass a gas station that has a group of people I recognize out front. I pull in and then head into the convenience store.

Two people end up sword fighting. I'm terrified I'm going to get hurt. I decide to run and find a hiding place.
I go up some stairs and hide in a closet sized room behind an Asian man.

The sword fighters end up fighting right in front of the room for a while and I think I'm trapped.

They eventually move and I head back down to my car. All the people out front are English and they don't like me much. I try to get away in my car, but when I put on the brakes nothing happens.

Some guy tells me to turn my wheel to the extreme right. I do.

He comes over and pulls out a mozzarella stick. He tells my to turn to the extreme left. He pulls out another mozzarella stick.

My brakes work. I leave.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hidden Ping Pong


A ton of people are hiding from Jo in my house, but not doing a very good job at it.

She comes in, finds everyone awkwardly hiding under chairs and behind their hands.

I tell her I was having a party with all the former AmeriCorps and didn't invite her, so I didn't want her to feel bad when she came over.

Zack comes over to sit on the couch with me, tells me about this table tennis competition.

Everyone piles into a couple cars. We drive down to the Wells plaza with Hannaford in it.

I have one sock on my foot, and one in my back pocket. Everyone else is getting ready.

It's really hot outside.

I leave the windows open a crack and put up one of those sun visor things in the windshield.

People start heading over to the place where the table tennis competition is, but Jo and I wait until everyone is inside.
While waiting, I put on my other sock. Jo complements me on them.

We head inside, and most everyone is getting registered.

One kid I'm with really wants to find Matt S. We look all over the place and can't find him. When we go back to the line, he's right there (with a beard).

Monday, April 4, 2011

[personal, totally conscious update]

To the three people I haven't actually spoken to who might be looking for new, weird, crazy person dreams:

Shit got nuts, yo.

I have a couple dreams written down on paper that I need to get in here, and many dreams I have not tried to remember.

When things settle down in awake time, then I can get back to asleep time.

G'night 'n' sweet dreams.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

(archive dream) Friendship, Maine


I had gone back to Boulder.

I was staying in an apartment with my old best friend, Tammy, and her family.

When they weren’t home I cooked their foo
d and ate it and the mom came home and she was a little drunk and ate some of the food with me, which ended up being like sweet and sour chicken but was totally potato chunks when I put them in the oven.

None of that matters, though.

I went outside and it was like I was in the middle of a campus and there were tons of people outside.

Some dude with weird hair said hi to me and told me that we had been schoolmates when I lived in Boulder. I vaguely remembered this person and it was weird to see who they had turned into.

Then I was surrounded by young men who noticed my friendship bracelet. They called it a “pop band” and made fun of it relentlessly. I tried to explain the significance of it and then just started saying hey, guys, I’ve been living in Maine.

And then they made fun of me even more because for some reason living in Maine is the biggest faux pas.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Human Kerplunk


I'm in Queens with two other people. We're walking down a street. We can see the big globe thing on the right.
A car drives past us, with a dude skitching on the back with a gun in his hand.
He fires the gun and it is SO LOUD.

We're on our way to the subway station. But we have to crawl around through these tunnels and climb up beams and posts. It's like the craziest maze that kind of reminds me of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sewers and what it would be like to climb through a game of Kerplunk.

And there's urine and feces everywhere.

And homeless people.

AND I'm not wearing shoes.

So we're ducking under and climbing over and balancing on different things and finally make it to the subway station where one of my pals tries to buy a pass.
I realize I have an old pass in my wallet, but it doesn't work right.

I start feeding the machine money and some dude steals my quarters.

Then I walk over to other person with tons of quarters covering the machine.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Flood Fence


I'm at Funtown, in Saco.
It's super crowded and it's pretty hard to walk around. Everyone seems to be walking in the same direction, though.

Everyone stops moving after a certain point. There is a very tall chain-link fence blocking off people from the outside.

Behind the fence is a beach, and the waves are coming closer.

Pretty soon the ocean is taking over the whole amusement park.

I, along with a handful of other people, are trying to go with the waves inland. It's not very stressful. But it is a work out. Walking in water is slow business.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Paper Bag Coupons


I was delivering some fried chicken to a house. The two people who ordered the chicken both had greasy, long, black hair. The man was short and the woman was very robust.
I informed them that the bill was $20.
The just sat down in their living room; him in a chair, her on the floor. They pulled the chicken out of the greasy paper bags and just ate it.
I stood there, telling them that I had more deliveries to do and that they owed me $20.

They ignored me.

I told them that I was going to call the cops on them. Then I asked them what the number to the local police station was; I didn't want to call 911 because this wasn't an emergency.

The man got me his laptop to look up the number.

I went outside to call.

I never called. Instead I started shoveling off their porch. But I guess it was like a duplex or something, because a bunch of people started walking up the steps, looking at me like I had two heads or something.

Then the man came out and just handed me a bunch of paper stuff. I assumed it was payment.

I got back in my car and started to drive off when I noticed that none of the things he handed me looked like cash. One was a long, skinny sheet of paper with his information on it (kind of like a business card). Another was a coupon for whatever the woman did for work. The third was another coupon, but for a product, not a service.

When I got back to work I went on a tangent about these people to my boss. He took me aside and explained that these people pull this scam all the time. They just put up with it. It's okay.
Chill out.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Fish Tattoos


I don't remember much, but what I do remember is that I had four tattoos on my legs. And they weren't attractive.

There was also something about Wii fishing games. I was trying to find a good one for my parents and couldn't. When I went to their house to tell them that I failed in finding a quality fishing game, they told me that they had already bought one.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Grandmother Psycho


I'm walking around a street mall with a bunch of relatives (on my dad's side). My Omi (my grandmother) is having trouble walking.
Everyone settles under some overhang thing and I go and look for a wheelchair.
I find one that looks like a Chaise longue with a metal bar around it and it's on wheels.
I bring it back to my grandmother.
She sits in it.
Then, at some point when we're not looking, she gets up and hobbles off.

From somewhere my other grandmother, GG, shows up. She's tall and walking fine even for being much older. (Which is basically all true in waking life, too.)

(I'm not in it, just watching.)
A lot of people were killed at a house. The house is completely trashed and there is blood everywhere.

The back story is that this college basketball team decided that they were going to murder this house of people. Probably some house just off campus.
One guy is super psycho and wants to go in and do all the killing.
Another guy is going to stand outside the front door. This guy is also going to try to just act like a drug dealer while he waits around outside, before shit goes down inside.

The dude runs inside and just fucking annihilates everyone and everything inside the house.
When people think to flee outside, the guy by the door shoots everyone.

When the killing is done, bodies are dragged into the bathroom.

The toilet is FULL of blood.

There is one other guy that is mentioned. He was on the basketball team, but he was not involved. He is a good guy who likes children and kittens.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Babies I Don't Have to Take Care of


So I've slept with some dude and now I'm pregnant.

Then I've had the baby, and she is in the hospital because she's not healthy.

I run around freaking out, talking to anybody I see about my baby that's dying. Including Jeff M, who I run into on a couch somewhere.

I get a phone call that the baby is fine.

I'm going into someone's house to wait for my child.

She is with the woman that takes care of her. The lady that kind of adopted my baby. I guess. Anyway, the now toddler child calls me Mommy, but know's that I'm not the one that's going to take care of her. The father is there, too. And this toddler little girl is so very sweet and beautiful.

I think I cry.

The adoptive mother and my child leave. I tell the father that his features made our baby beautiful. He tells me that the mother gave her very good genes, too.

Late for Chicken


I'm at my parents' house in Wells. It's a work day, and I am going to be very very late (I live and work 1.5 hrs from their house).

I try to get ready, but just can't seem to get myself together.

HOURS go by. At this point I am telling my parents that if I can get out of the house at that moment I will only have to work until 8pm.

BUT I don't.

Eventually I'm in a car in a very snowy, LONG LONG LONG driveway. It takes me a moment to get the car moving. I start backing up.

The long, long, long driveway is very icy and I start to pick up speed and cannot stop. I'm approaching the road and trying to slam on the brakes.

Right as I'm about to careen into oncoming traffic, the brakes work and I slam into a stopped position.


Somehow I'm back inside my parents' house and it's the following morning. I'm determined to not be as late as the day before.

I'm making myself some fried chicken breast on the stove top.

I tell my brother he can have some, too.

I grab a breast and snap it in half to make sure it's cooked. There's bone through it. And it's pink.

Ian's already eating some, and I tell him it's raw and he doesn't seem to care.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Basement Leotard


Dream uno:

I'm walking with Betsy (Sparkling Cat Treasure B) down a street lined with shops. Kind of like downtown Portsmouth, NH. We end up walking behind this guy holding a GIGANTIC gun pointed at the buildings as he walks by.
B and I walk past him, not at all worried.
I look back at the guy as he's walking past a cloth/fabric shop and tell Betsy that the woman that owns the place is a major bitch.
She ends up tearing out of the store to berate the gun guy.
Betsy and I giggle and head into an over-priced jewelry store.

We look at gaudy earrings and goof around the store.
Then I need to use the bathroom.
I ask the store owner if they have one, and she tells me to go down the hallway, down the stairs, and there it is.

The toilet is essentially in the middle of what looks like a basement.
And it's filled to the brim with dirty water. Which obviously means it's clogged and I can't flush it or it will overflow. This also means that I can't use it because it will overflow.
And now, of course, I am naked.

I run around the basement looking for things to pee into. It's becoming an urgent matter. I notice another room off to one side.
I peek into it and notice that it's a laundry room, and one of my meteorology professors is in there.

I dart away from that room and find a small trashcan.
I begin to relieve myself when Dr. H. comes out to grab a bottle of detergent. I try to stop urinating, but can't really, and it just all goes down my legs.

Dream dos:

Dr. Alex Karev (from Grey's Anatomy) and Courtney (from The Biggest Loser) are dating.
(I'm not a part of this dream, just watching.)
I know that Courtney has hidden from Alex recently.
Alex brings Courtney out of where he used to hide from the world. It's in the desert, in a crater looking thing.
There's a blanket on the ground, some weird piece of electric equipment, and a can of Coca-Cola.
Alex tells Courtney that he doesn't want to hide from her, and asks to put the GPS coordinates of his hiding place on her phone. He hooks some wires up to her phone and the deed is done.

He then offers her some cake.

She refuses. Continually.

Eventually the pressure to eat some cake breaks her, and she takes a bite.
Then she starts turning bright red and hyperventilating. Finally she passes out. She is allergic to cake.

Alex freaks out and ends up dragging her into a shed-looking place.
He creates a make-shift syringe out of a power drill and sticks it in her shoulder.

He's super upset and crawls into a bed. I turn into a real person and crawl into bed with him to comfort him. I try to cuddle. Then someone interrupts and Alex leaves.

I'm a doctor. I go out of that room and I'm in a hospital. I head for a door into a hallway, but the door is heavier than I expect and an old lady behind me laughs at my terrible attempt at opening it.
I walk down this hallway and pass a gym where doctors are playing volleyball. One is wearing sunglasses. And I know she always wears them.

I walk down the hallway and past a certain point it turns into a school hallway filled with students. Matt S is there, singing.

I'm wearing a leotard. And I'm late for class.

I rush up a stairwell and can't remember which class I'm supposed to be in. Math? English? I see someone I think I have a class with and jump into a desk.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Cougar Orange: Dog Piano Bar


(I don't remember if these were connected, or even if this was the order. The following is what I do remember.)

Dinner Party:

I'm at a dinner party at a friend's house. Dinner is being held in this big room with floor to ceiling picture windows on two adjoining walls. The host is a little miffed because someone brought friends, and there were a certain number of place settings and a certain amount of food. Now it doesn't quite work.
The host and a couple other people walk outside. We can all see them out the windows walking up a stairwell against the edge of the woods.
Betsy (squirrel-hatin B) is sitting next to me. It's like dusk outside.
She starts to point at the woods near the staircase.
She says it's a cougar; a mountain lion.
I tell her it's not a cougar, probably just a rock.
She swears it's a cougar and starts flipping out.
I have to physically restrain her.

Other Party:

At a party in a different house.
Edward is there, along with some random chicks and a blond dude.
I'm pretty sure everyone is very drunk. Even me.
I think there were oranges or clementines or some other small orange-colored fruit.
Then Edward and I are topless.
We talk about how this isn't the first time we've seen each other topless.
I am covering myself up with a blanket, though.

Girl Date:

I'm going down a stairwell in a school or office building with Allie Brosh (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/).
Every once in a while there would be a HUGE white sign with black letters on it that we'd have to break through.
They were pick up lines and jokes.
It was Allie's way of hitting on me and asking me out.
I agree to go out with her.

We're at her place and a small dog comes and hangs out with me.
Then a large chocolate lab comes and says hi.
Allie gives both of them rawhide bones to chew on.

My hand gets a little too close for comfort to the lab and he starts going nuts. Barking and trying to bite me.
The other dog grabs the lab's bone and drags it to the other side of the room.
The lab follows.
The little dog rolls over onto its back.


I'm on a staircase with Dane. We're arguing about a bar. I tell him it's near by.
We get to the top of the stairs and we're on a busy downtown street with tons of bars.
We walk past all sorts of theme bars and people try to get us to go in.
I drag him into the piano bar that I was thinking of.
Through the main room, which was full of people, we headed into a second room.
A DJ was playing VERY loud music.
A dude that I work with was there.
I pull Dane over to the side of the room and scream so he can hear me.
I tell him it's not usually a DJ, that live bands play here.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

(David Byrne likes my poetry)


Myself and a handful of other people are on an outside scavenger hunt. But we're looking for these red, floating icons over things and scanning them with a pen looking thing. It's all very video-game-esque.
I go into a shed to look for things.
Eventually me and maybe 3 other people end up in a classroom. But now we're looking for pink sticky notes instead.
We look under things, behind posters, all over.

Then David Byrne is there. He's teaching, or critiquing, or something, poetry. He asks me to read my poem.
I don't have one.
But I do remember one and recite it.
David Byrne really likes it.

David Byrne, a few other people, and me go down a huge marble staircase. The bottom of the staircase is filled with people wearing blue.
Everyone is chanting, kind of. Like a wavering kind of chant song thing.
I know that they are Turkish and they are mourning a dead Olympian.
I stand with them, but because I don't know the chant-song, I start moving my arms like they do in Angels in the Outfield.

Eventually we get by the stair crowd and move into the huge room. There's bleacher seating around the whole room (crowded except for down front) and one teacher in front of everyone.
David Byrne sits next to me near the floor, right in front of the teacher.
He says, "Hey, why don't we get the whole place to critique your poem?" and hands me a sheet of paper. My poem is not on it.
I tell him I can't remember it. I'm too nervous to remember it.

So David Byrne gets up in front of everyone and tells them about my poem.
Then goes off on a tangent. And then another tangent.
It's all very intelligent stuff.
David Byrne ends up talking about a woman. A person in the crowd asks about this woman.
David Byrne goes on about her being a gypsy.
About gypsies.
Other gypsy related things.
He is very excited and educated and cannot stop.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Outer-Space Dinosaur Taffy


I'm with another person and we get into a hot air balloon that takes us into outer space. We get just outside the atmosphere and begin to orbit. But, because there is no gravity, we all get separated.
It's really relaxing. I keep looking at Earth.
Then I realize that I'm getting pulled back in.

I'm back on Earth, and I'm with some mad scientist character who is going to send me back into space to retrieve the balloon.
He tells me to get into this human cannon looking thing.
I do.

I'm shot back into space. I catch up with the other person and we have to figure out a way to get it back into the atmosphere.
I have water balloons.
The weight of the additional water balloons is enough to bring us back to Earth.

I'm on some tropical looking island with a handful of other people.

There are dinosaurs roaming about.

We're on a beach watching the dinosaurs.

I get on the phone and tell someone that there are dinosaurs.

He doesn't believe me.

I try and get him to believe me.

I'm outside of my elementary school with a group of people. Mostly students and maybe two teachers. It's the first day of classes.
One teacher starts naming off all the kids.
All the boys are named Ian, including my brother (that's his real name).

We are able to go into the school and someone asks me my name.
But my mouth is full of taffy or something and it sounds like SNMCHAAADY.

I go into the bathroom. It's gigantic. And there are lots of kids running around in it.
My mom's in there, too. And she blows her nose and then looks around for a trash can.
She can't find one.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Balcony Lipstick


I'm in Corey's house, but it's much larger than in real life. There are lots of rooms and staircases and Corey and Dorie are never in the same room together.

I head into a room that's practically empty, minus a bin full of garbage maybe. Stickston comes in with me. For some reason I have this urge to flip over the pile onto the floor. Spiders with egg sacs are scurrying everywhere. I try to squash them all, and then Stink starts helping.

From the pile wriggles a little rabbit. It's white with black spots. I pick it up, and it bites me. I try and do this more than once, with the same outcome.

I guess I'm going out somewhere with Corey and Dorie, because I need to get dressed. I go up one of the staircases and end up on a balcony over looking a street with heavy pedestrian traffic. There are piles and piles of folded laundry on this balcony. Also, it's nighttime. So I'm up there, in my underwear, grabbing shirts from the piles to figure out what to wear. I end up having to decide between a very very large yellow shirt or a very very large blue shirt. There are two young girls walking down the street, so I yell to them and ask their opinion. They say yellow. Definitely yellow.

I'm dressed in the shirt, but I also have another shirt under it, another over it, and a cardigan.

There's a party in the house now, tons and tons of people. And all I remember is that I had to keep telling people where the bathroom was.

I keep getting very hot, and keep taking off shirts.

Mostly this dream was me wandering around a very large house.

Another dream (which I'm not a part of, just watching):

There are two quite young black girls playing with makeup. The older is putting makeup on the younger one.
They come out of a bedroom and their older brother says something.
The young girl looks in the mirror and is slightly horrified.

Then she says that the lipstick is hot. It's burning her lips.

She wipes all the makeup off her face.

Then she starts to sing Edelweiss. (Which I ended up having stuck in my head all day.)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Cassette Tapes and Candy


It's early in the morning, at sunrise. I'm in a very cluttered house with a huge picture window without glass. Looking out, it's the top view of a city. It's really amazing and gives me this exhilarated feeling. It's all gold.

For some reason I know that it's an optical illusion, so I decide to step out the window. But my feet can't reach the ground. I decide it's not a good idea to jump.
Instead, I decide to take a photo.

I reach up on top of a shelf and can't find a working camera. I do find TONS of cassette tapes without their cases and a lot of empty cases, but obviously none of them match.

Into this room comes a wandering, black homeless man. He tells me about his life and I think it's fascinating. He looks out the window. So I look out the window again,and now it's a different view: street level. A guy is standing with his back to us holding a rifle.

The homeless guy leaves.

I go into another room.
My mom's there. It kind of looks like a science classroom with all the tables.
The room is also filled with overflowing boxes full of costumes. We start looking for tapes and their cases, but just find costumes. We move from table to box to table. Throwing around costumes all the while.

We get to table at the end of the room, where we run into lots of young men with candy.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Zombie Buffalo Fly


Zombie outbreak. I'm with my parents, KRN and Naked Bob, and we all run down to the basement of the building we're in. Which happens to be a cafeteria type place and there are a lot of people down there sitting at the picnic-style cafeteria tables.

Including Danny G. He's been crying. We hug for a long time. Then we go smoke cigarettes.

I decide that I'm going to get out of there. Out of town. Away from the zombies. I get in my car and head out of town. As are many, many others. Up ahead I notice brake lights as far as the eye can see. So I decide I have to turn around.
When I left my parents there were no signs of zombies, but as I got back to where they were, masses of the undead wandered about.

I ran through throngs of living dead and one woman zombie ended up helping me get back into the building through her connection with Bruce.

I get down to the basement area. It's now furnished and there are only a handful of us, including my parents and Danny plus an old guy and a young guy. The young guy is kind of a jerk. The old guy is super helpful. We really seal ourselves into this place. We get settled and turn on the television to see if there's news.

All that's on, ON EVERY CHANNEL, are zombie movies. Day of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead. Like it's some kind of joke.

Days pass. The zombies disappear. We move about the building more. I move a bed over a vent to the basement. The old man helps.
There's a sign with two names on it: Bruce (my zombie man-friend) and Bub (a nod to Day of the Dead's trained zombie).

Back in the basement, my dad opens the door leading to the outside. He goes out quickly and grabs a tiny buffalo. He traps it in a cage in the basement.

The buffalo continues to get smaller and smaller and fits inside a toy airplane. I make it play with me and other toys.

It still gets smaller and smaller until it's now a fruit fly.

The games are now arcade games that I'm playing against the fly. I win the game, brag a bit, and the fly takes off.

I go all around the arcade, find my brother, and ask if he's seen my fly pal. He hasn't.

I go back to the game we were playing and the fly is there, playing with someone else. I try to apologize, but it takes off again.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

No Water


I'm in the shower. It's going. I'm just standing there.

Then I turn the water off.

I realize that I didn't cleanse myself.

I start shampooing and lathering my body with soap.

Next, I turn the water back on and rinse.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Plastic Pillows?


Vinyl pillow cases. That's all my dream was about. Except, they were blue, and not yellow like this one.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Prison Cat


I'm in prison. A weird prison. And they give me new clothes and sneakers. They tell me to report to the gym. I get there and look around and wait for someone to notice me. They tell me I'm in the wrong "class"; this one is for adults and not me. Some woman guard person escorts to my "cell". I have two roommates. It's a pretty nice place, like a dorm room.

A car crashes around the parking lot outside the window. Cars go flying, flipping upside down, falling down hills, and some have people in them. These people are very hurt. After the major action I go to see if my car was damaged in the wake. It was not.

I come back through the front entrance vestibule thing. I'm stopped in the vestibule by three men who start to get into a fight. They tell me I can't go inside yet. They have knives. The start to stab each other, mostly in the hands. There's a lot of blood.
I run inside and grab the security guard, but I have to take over while he's gone.
Then someone else starts something inside and I'm involved.

I sneak off and run down a stairwell that leads to bottom floor cells. It's very dark and gross; old carpet, old paint, no light.
I run and run and run.
I can tell they're behind me.
I stop to hide, hoping they'll pass me.
There's a cat that comes over. I think that it will draw attention to me.
I try to keep very still. I'm not very well hidden.

They don't notice me.
I sneak around a corner and leave the cat. Someone comes out of the "cell" I'm in front of and I do the quiet-finger in front of my lips. The dudes pass me by.

I get back to my cell and the door is completely messed up. One side of the frame is out, the knob is out, it's just a mess. I'm in a hurry because I want to lock myself in and keep the dudes out.
We slam the frame back together. Another person and I work on the door handle. It goes in.

The dudes are coming.

We get the door back together just in time. Slam it shut and lock it.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wheelchair Watch


I go to Walmart to return the windshield wipers I bought that are the wrong size. I bring them over to the service counter and, number one, it is completely covered with crap; there is no room for anything. There's an employee in front of the counter in a wheelchair. He's an older dude with those wire-rimmed, aviator looking glasses. And a comb-over.
I tell him my issue with the wipers and tell him I'd like to just go get the right size.
He tells me that can't happen. Wipers are non-refundable, non-exchangeable items.
I show him that the packages were never opened; they're still brand new.
He doesn't care. They are mine now. If I want different ones, I will need to buy new ones.
I show him my receipt. I show him the unopened boxes. I plead with him. I practically beg him to just let me leave the wrong sized wipers with him and go to the automotive department to grab the correct size.
He tells me that isn't possible.
And I am so mad. SO MAD.

So, when he's not looking, I run back to the automotive department.

When I arrive, I'm getting out of my car into this huge garage area.
Two men greet me. I tell them my predicament with the customer service guy.
They smile. Tell me to relax. They'll take care of it. No problem. Come on in.

We're in the actual store part now. The taller, more attractive man comes up behind me, grabs my wrist, and puts on it a very glamorous, sparkly, diamond encrusted watch.
I turn around to him.
(sexytimes alert)
He kisses me very passionately.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ghostbusting Ninja Chocolate


(I can only remember bits and pieces)

I'm in an office of meteorologists.
Then it's an academic building full of students. There's the professor's office with a dry erase board on the door with students' names and scores next to them. Some of them even have the word "best".
I go to the door with a female student and notice that Edward didn't do so hot (which is probably good because Edward is into turkeys and not weather). Next to my name is a high score and "best". I'm told that I could have done better, but I kept getting demerits for running around in my underwear.
Another student, who looks like Samantha, asks me how I did it; how I turned my score around to be one of the "best". I tell her that I just started being a good student and stopped partying so much.

Later I'm on a computer and get an instant message from Sam saying she did it. She's one of the "best".

Then there's this huge party thing outside and there are just mobs of people dancing and having a good time. Sam comes and finds me and tells me that they need someone to be Janine in Ghostbusters.
I go up this huge spiral staircase and am now Janine.
For a while it's basically just the babysitting scene in Ghostbusters 2.

(I wake up)

I'm back in the loft area place where the spiral staircase led to, but now it's an office and I'm in an office suit and I'm carrying boxes and other office things.
Turns out that I'm an intern for Jon Stewart. At first I'm trying way to hard and just pissing everyone off. But then I relax and everything is cream cheese.

I go over to the balcony edge thing of the building to stop this woman from summoning a ninja. But I'm too late. The ninja crashes through the building. There's a lot of smoke and screaming. The place starts to remind me of the TGRI lab in TMNT 2.

Three people are dead. A young black girl, Jay-Z's nephew, and some white dude. I guess I'm closest with the black girl because I help her sister put her into a coffin and carry it out to a truck.
I ask their mom if she wants to grab her nice clothes so she can be dressed nicely. Her mom says it'll be a closed casket. No one will care what she's wearing.

Back in the office, there are all these conveyor belts going everywhere bringing people their work. From one end comes this gold-foil wrapped chocolate. It makes its way through the office and ends up at the sister of the girl who died. She unwraps it and it says that she's won a jacket. She just needs to punch in this four digit code.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Football Dream-dreaming


First Dream:

I’m back at college and I run into Betsy (college Betsy, duh). I ask her where she lived the first two years of college and she tells me this dorm that doesn’t exist in real life. I tell her that I’ve never heard of it, and she’s all, I used to live right near Dustin L (who I did not go to college with). She tells me it’s right down the hill, so we walk over to it.

In front of the dorm a ton of people are playing football. Next to the dorm is a children’s cancer hospital. All the kids are outside watching the football game. Like, sitting in front of the hospital, on the hospital roof, just everywhere outside the hospital watching the game.

Then Counselor Lee (Ug Lee, as it were, from Salute Your Shorts) comes outside and yells at everyone to stop playing football. That somehow it’s inappropriate for the cancer kids to watch it because it’s so violent.

The game disperses.

Then a couple of people are back out front of the dorm taking photos. They’re taking them in a way that looks like someone is grabbing them (to incriminate Ug), but it’s just their own hands.

The photos are being taken by a chimpanzee who is jumping around wielding a Polaroid camera.

Second Dream:
I’m hanging out with Sally and her mom, Susan. And they’re talking about Nick and why is he being dumb and it should be me and blah blah blah.

And then Nick is there. And I’m all, I should totally kiss him, and then I don’t because he has a girlfriend.

And then in my dream, I realize that I had just been dreaming about Nick and that even in my dreams I can’t make out with him. I get mad at myself for not dreaming about making out. I have morals even in my subconscious.

Then I’m back in a room with Sal and Susan and they’re both cooking, but separate meals. And they’re both using citrus. And they’re squeezing it and the oils are igniting in the air and it’s neato.

Then I’m hanging out with some chick and we’re talking about fake nails and she wants nails that are mocha colored. And there’s a candle the color she wants right in front of us.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Shrimp Halloween Dinner


Dream 1:
My whole immediate family is at what, in my dream, is the Manchester Airport. We’re there seeing my mom off somewhere. My dad goes with my mom to wait somewhere else, while Ian and I go to the airport Dunkin Donuts. There’s a sliding, automatic door at the entrance, and all around the counter are sliding glass doors; like shower doors.

Ian and I are sitting there, and I ask him if he would like something. He’s all, YEAH! And gets up to go order.

He orders every donut with chocolate on it. Even if it’s just chocolate sprinkles. EVERY CHOCOLATE DONUT. And I freak out. I tell him I meant ONE donut, not every donut.

Then he’s like, but I got this one for you.

And he hands me this donut that looks like a fritter but it’s chocolate. I bite into it and it’s a filled donut.

With shrimp jelly stuff.

Dream 2:
I’m at this restaurant thing with some people. It’s just a bunch of picnic tables under a tent or something and there are tons of beer taps. Any beer you want, they’ve got on tap.

I sit down at this table and across from me is Tammy. And I look at her until she realizes it’s me. She’s not as excited as I am. But I get up and shake her hand. I’m actually sitting next to her friend and she asks me what we looked like when we were young.

I happen to have my makeup box thing next to me that has this photo of our like 3rd grade class in it. So I show it to her friend.

It’s also like super dark in this place.

Then people start throwing these little tiny balls around. I guess it’s some kind of game and someone tries to explain it to me. But I end up just kind of tossing them instead of throwing them towards whatever target there was.

Now there’s this HUGE screen and people are setting it up to play video games. All the tables disappear and everyone can play this thing like the Xbox Kinect. It starts out like a puzzle and people are putting the pieces together. Then I start playing, but then I leave and end up going down this dark hallway.

It feels like I’m in Rob Zombie movie. I am terrified. All sorts of scary things line the hallway. Like monsters and skeletons and lights and there is just this overwhelming sensation of terror.

I run through and end up coming to this creature that is totally out of House of 1000 Corpses, but I’m not scared at all. Instead I grab it and drag it up to a jail cell and lock it up. Then I run back through the scary hallway thing again. At the end I’m confronted with another burnt, gooey, monster thing and I take it up to another jail cell.


After the third monster bad-guy thing I start going down the hallway, but I start punching things instead and unplugging lights and stereos.

I go to unplug another set of lights, and there’s this guy taking a photo. And when the lights go out he gets bummed out.

I’m now in a Halloween store and telling everyone the place is closed. We close at 9. And I’m the only employee.

So people start leaving, but at the same time TONS more people start coming in. And I’m pushed away from the cash register and I try to get back to it by trying to fly or swim and it doesn’t work. There are just too many people.

Dream 3:
James, Chrissy, Roland and I are around a table. James is obnoxious. There's dinner on the table. Chrissy tells James he's obnoxious.

That’s essentially it.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Elevator Yearbook


I parallel park my car in front of a hotel and hop out and leave my drivers side door open because I’m just going to run in and run out real quick. But you have to take an elevator, which is slow. So I get up to the lobby and go back down because I’m afraid that someone will steal my car.

That’s it for that one.

I walk into this diner looking restaurant with my grandmother (maybe? Could have been a random old lady). And there’s a dude behind the counter asking me what I want. And I am hungry. So I ask what they’ve got and he start listing off normal diner food: mac n cheese, hot dogs, burgers, chili, etc. So I’m like, gimme some of that mac n cheese and a hot dog. And when I get the food it’s got ground beef mixed in. So I pick around it and only eat the noodles, which end up being more like scrambled eggs.

Somehow the place ends up being a food cart outside and now it’s just me, the dude, and Terri. And he starts asking if we eat meat.

I’m all, uh, look at my plate, dummy. What do you think?

And he starts going off on his wife’s vegan recipe for lobster sandwiches. And I think, this dude is an idiot. Vegans don’t eat lobster.

He’s still talking but it gets quiter and more mumbley and I can’t make out what he’s saying anymore.

Then he starts bringing out all these pies with piles of whipped cream on top of them. And he puts them in a refrigerated compartment on the front of the cart.

(Terri’s just like laying in the grass.)

So I get up and go around the corner of the cart and start finding these newspaper clippings. And there are photos of me all over them. And I start pointing out what all the photos are from. Like, oh, this one is from when I graduated high school. AND THERE’S TERRI. And this one was from when I did this thing, and here’s another one! Like I was all over the newspaper. And it didn’t creep me out or anything.

Then lots of people showed up and started ordering food from the dude.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Food Efficiency


I was walking down a street and took a stairway down to another street that was closed to vehicle traffic because a woman was pushing a wheelbarrow down it. There was even one of those flashing signs that warn you when there are cars present with a lady pushing a wheelbarrow instead.

She was expecting someone and assumed it was me. She started telling me about what she had planned and asking me questions that had nothing to do with me. But she was really excited and had me follow her through this maze of cars and driveways until we got to this enclosed porch.

It was pretty big with two levels and a couch and lots of tables covered in books and magazines and these big bowls of food.

She had told me that this week was chicken and she had made all sorts of different things. She had me grab a napkin and then she ran up to the second level behind this massive bowl of what looked like mac n cheese and grabbed a handful (with her hands) and told me to try it. So I like bend over to eat it out of her hands, and she was all, NO silly, use the napkin and a fork! So I let her put it on my napkin and I ate it and it was really good. And then she was like, OH, try this one. And led me around to each massive bowl full of what looked like pasta in each one. And I tried each one. And I thought about telling Tony because Tony loves free food. Also, this woman was Native American.

Then other people start showing up and the woman sits down on the couch and she grabs this poster thing and asks me to sit next to her. And she hands me a blanket. So I sit next to her and she starts telling me about the attached house and how it’s like a community building and they’re trying to make it more energy efficient. She shows me photos of the insulation they started putting in the walls and then asks me about the importance of putting it in the attic and basement. I tell her that it’s essential to put it on the floor of the attic and ceiling of the basement, but it doesn’t require as much insulation as the walls. Then I start talking about caulking cracks and outlet covers and she stops me to tell me that I never tried the “greasy one” at the end of the table. So I get up and try to fold the blanket, but she just takes it from me and flings it on to the couch. I go over to the “greasy one” and it looks kind of like brownies. I try to take a piece and it’s stuck to the foil underneath. I grab a napkin and get the hunk onto it and look more closely and it’s like rice and stuff. And it is greasy. But it’s good.

Date Jokes


Some big, black dude asked me out on a date. So I went. And it was to this sketchy bar place where people were doing karaoke. And I was drinking a Snapple Twisted Tea (gross, right?) and he went and got shots of whiskey and then we went to the parking lot to leave and my car had been chopped. Like it was just the shell of a car. And I was devastated. And I went a told some guy and he was like, yeah, that happens in that parking lot. So I tried calling some mechanic to come and rebuild my car. Then I got a ride home with the black guy date.

He is dropping me off and is like, yeah, baby, let’s do it. And I’m all, not on the first date. And then he leaves because apparently that’s all he wanted. And then all I can think is that Chrissy is going to be so disappointed in me for not doing a black guy.

Then there’s this like little snippet scene where me and a bunch of people are outside smoking cigarettes. I don’t quite understand it.

(This is where I wake myself up to make sure that my car is in tact. Seriously.)

Then I have this other dream. I’m at a table with 3 other girls. And at the table next to us is a table of 4 dudes. And I don’t know where these tables are, but they’re not in a restaurant. More like in a store. And I keep throwing my jacket at the girl diagonally across from me, Julia. And we keep singing Julia by the Beatles at her. And it’s really dark and there’s lots of talk about gory stuff. And then we all get up and there’s like this bank maze line thing and I’m buying lots of books and movies and stuff. But for some reason I have to go to this one particular check out girl (who’s totally goth) because I have to tell her jokes. Which end up all being Zack B jokes: what’s brown and sticky? A stick. What do you do when you see a space man? Park man. And Matt S is in line behind me and I’m telling him that these are Zack jokes and he still doesn’t get them. So eventually I leave, but forget all the stuff I bought. So I go to turn around and head back to the store.

And then I wake up.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pirate Sandwiches


I show up to a restaurant with another person and we have backpacks on and I have an unopened bottle of Coors Light. We get a seat and we watch this sandwich go by and we both totally want it. For some reason we get up from out table and walk around the restaurant and end up in the room that’s kind of like a camp and we have the menus and we’re looking at them to find that sandwich. But the menu is totally more like a newspaper or magazine and has ads and articles and none of the sandwiches sound like the one we saw. Our waiter keeps asking me what I want and I can’t figure it out.

So they throw me outside into this barbed wire jail-maze thing. And there are a handful of other people out there, too. Luckily, I stowed away some pancakes and we can use them to cover the barbed wire and sneak out. Also, we’re all dressed like pirates.

So we sneak around to get back inside the restaurant through this tiny vent thing. I wait outside to watch in the windows for when everyone leaves. Then, once everyone is gone, I tell the pirates to sneak out and cross over into the basement of the building next door. And to grab a tent.

The first couple pirates go to the basement, but then one decides that they want to go upstairs. They obviously run into the dudes that threw us in that maze-jail thing and so I’m forced to move extremely quickly through the other basement and out the door to the street where there are a couple of minivans. One has two of my pirate friends in it, but it’s starting to pull away. I think that it’s raining, too.

So I run as fast as I can to catch the van. I make it, jump in, and realize that I’m not wearing any shoes. Just socks. But I made it.

Different dream, maybe?
I’m in an airport and going through security and there’s this part where you have to face a camera so they can ID you. The dude working it is the big guy from this season of the Biggest Loser. And he can’t get a good photo because my boobs are too big. Eventually it works out and he gives me this massive sticker with a mustache on it and the words “awesome party”.

That’s all I remember.